Celebrated Seahawk faces extinction, The Animal Rescue Site respondsAugust Dombrow
While the nation turns its collective gaze to the Big Game this Sunday, few are talking about the real issue this weekend – the imminent demise of the treasured Seahawk. Set on a collision course with a herd of majestic Broncos heralding from the High Plains, this timid bird stands little chance of surviving the onslaught of this powerful pack. In a last-ditch effort, The Animal Rescue Site has launched a new online petition to prevent this massacre.
In recent weeks, the migratory patterns of the Pacific Northwest’s rare ornithological specimen deviated from traditional routes, disrupting traffic and dashing dreams on the western seaboard. San Francisco residents have even been heard calling for the complete extermination of the nuisance birds, complaining about the awful noise produced by the traveling flock. Despite numerous attempts by several cities, no one has been able to contain the pests as they continued their territorial expansion.
Unfortunately for the wayward birds, their path is on a collision course with a herd of the Midwest’s most stalwart stallions, an unstoppable force of nature known only as the Denver Bronco. Known for their lethal combination of majestic grace and unbridled fury, the Bronco represents a major threat to the last remaining Seahawks, and an encounter between the two would certainly mean the demise of the species.
Experts dismiss circulating reports of Seahawks carrying away full-grown steeds as ridiculous, citing the physical impossibility of such a feat. These same experts were also unable to explain the evolutionary advantage of the neon green plumage found on the ridiculous looking bird. And the predictable flight paths and evasive maneuvers that might work against lesser species will prove ineffectual against a beast widely acknowledged to have the most lethal air attack on record.
Both flock and herd were last seen heading east and careful analysis of travel patterns suggest the two will collide in the vicinity of northern New Jersey. Camera crews have already been spotted setting up in eager anticipation of the spectacle, and opportunistic marketers were close behind attempting to peddle their wares to mesmerized onlookers.
Fossil records suggest a similar clash occurred near Miami, Florida in recent history, involving the Falcon with disastrous results for the airborne foes. In response, The Animal Rescue Site’s petition campaign attempts to spare the ill-prepared Seahawks from this impending doom and preserve this celebrated species. Denver residents have proven inexplicably reluctant to sign the document, however, responding with what one onlooker described as “sadistic glee.”
The Animal Rescue Site is committed to helping animals of all species, regardless of their affiliation with certain professional sports leagues. It should also be noted that The Animal Rescue Site operates out of Seattle, a city that takes major pride in its sports teams. Enough pride to write harmless, satirical pieces rooted in a friendly, competitive spirit. No animals, real or imagined, were harmed in the writing of this post but that doesn’t mean they don’t need our help. You can show your support for these fine animals by signing a real petition at The Animal Rescue Site.
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